My husband and I went through the unimaginable a week ago today: our firstborn child, a baby boy named Azaiah, was born still. Our hearts hurt as we deal with the deep sadness of saying goodbye to a life that was so full of love and hope.
After three long and difficult years of trying, we were finally able to have a child. When we got that long-awaited positive pregnancy test in April, we were so happy we couldn’t tell you. It was a miracle, and we were thrilled about the idea of having a child.
I had terrible nausea and vomiting from the start of my pregnancy and didn’t stop until the day I gave birth. Even though it hurt all the time, I stayed strong, telling myself that every hard moment would be worth it when we held our precious baby. But fate had other ideas. Our dreams were dashed when I was only 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant and my membranes ruptured early.
While we hold our son Azaiah, we are trying to figure out why this terrible thing happened. He and I were both in great health, which makes his sudden death even more strange. It’s a puzzle that logic can’t solve and language can’t fully describe. The loss of a child is a terrible and heartbreaking event that leaves a huge hole in our lives that we can’t explain.
Since I can remember, I’ve had a strong desire to have children. In a way, I am a mother now that my child isn’t here with me anymore. I’ve always wanted to be one. But the worry about Azaiah is too much, and the fear of fake heartbreak all at once makes the thought of having three pregnancies scary.
During this time of deep sadness and uncertainty, the support of my husband and other loved ones helps me feel better. I’m grateful to everyone who makes space for me during this time because their presence and understanding help me get through this otherworldly phase.
We may not have all the answers we’re looking for, but we will always remember the short time we spent with Azaiah. Even though he was only here for a short time, he brought us a lot of happiness and meaning. We held on to the love and memories we had with our loved one’s baby boy, enjoying the time we spent together.
As we weave the eve of our beloved Azaiah, we hope to get better and find the strength to keep going, even though anything could happen. Our little angel in heaven will always be in our hearts as we remember him.
To remember Azaiah, we try to honour his memory by being there for each other through the hardest times and finding comfort in our love. It has been hard for us to become parents, but we think that love will win out in the end, and one day we may find the courage to try again.
We will cherish the memories of our sweet baby boy for now and accept the love and support that comes our way. This is to say that Azaiah will always be a part of our family and in our hearts.
Thank you to everyone who has given me room for this important time. Your care and kindness mean more to me than words can say. We find the strength to keep going while honouring the memory of our beloved Azaiah in the arms of love and support.
May he rest in peace in heaven, little angel, forever.