Over the weekend, Drake made us understand something. He tried to make Ratchet Happy Birthday the birthday song we’ve all been waiting for by putting it on Scorpion, but he just missed the point. Just.

In reality, we haven’t had a birthday song since 50 Cent’s “In Da Club,” and even then, we’re still partying “like it’s your birthday,” even though it’s not your birthday.

Drake set out to do something with Ratchet Happy Birthday. The title of this song is the most Instagrammable on the whole record. It should have been an anthem that played on repeat every day there was a birthday, which is every day of the week, but it’s not.

The song’s beat doesn’t start until well after a minute, so it’s no longer his birthday theme. There needs to be something really crazy in the title of the song if the word “ratchet” is going to be in it. Ratchet Happy Birthday is just a little bit…sad? At times, Drizzy sounds like Hallmark hired him to come up with themes for birthday cards and then made him sing them for an ad.

Drake would have been a great choice for the next birthday song, which makes this missed chance even worse. HYFR is a song to turn up, Jumpman is a happy chest-puff, and Worst Behaviour is everything that Ratchet Happy Birthday makes us think it could have been.

We’ll have to agree that the best person for the job is too sad right now to give us what 50 did.

A lot of people have tried to sing the party song. Katy Perry tried to sound like Katy Perry in the 1990s with her song “Birthday,” but it didn’t do well on the charts. Selena Gomez went for an in-your-face attitude with “Birthday,” but it’s just too annoying. And Kings Of Leon’s “Birthday” made us want to fall asleep before the birthday cake.

Rihanna’s song “Birthday Cake” was the most like a theme until she added Chris Brown to it, which turned it from a one-minute jam into a full-length song. It’s not even her birthday in that song, so she made the same mistake 50 did. But we’re not going to rule RiRi out.

In fact, we’ve given it some thought, and there are only two people we want to write the birthday song for this age. We looked at the numbers and found that two pop stars party harder than the rest. They now have to give us the hit we need. Charli XCX and RiRi, you both need to pay attention.

Charli XCX is the best party pop star ever. She’s not afraid to say how much she loves champagne, and she has some amazing party stories. A lot of people love party songs like “Boys” and “After The Afterparty,” but she doesn’t say the one word we need: “birthday.”

It’s not a birthday party without Rihanna in the background. There are a lot of good songs that could be used instead of “birthday,” like “Work,” “We Found Love,” “Pour It Up,” “Cheers (Drink To That”),” and many more. But we need her to say “birthday.” In the first sentence.

It would be great if Charli and RiRi could get these to us by the end of the year so we could choose which one will take 50 Cent’s crown.

Thanks a lot. Also, thanks for nothing, Drake. You messed it up.

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